Two Years Of Good

This day brings significance I must acknowledge. Two years ago today I moved into my sweet little space I now call home. I believed it to be the worst day of my life. I was grateful for a place to call my own, thinking I was headed toward homelessness, but I longed for my old life. This change was abrupt. It was forced. It was not my choice. The day I walked out the door of my old house my relationship was officially over. It ended a month previously, really. I moved myself into the basement guest room while I frantically tried to find other living arrangements. When I wasn’t doing that I was trying to wrap my mind around what the hell happened.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while you’ve read the story of my abrupt life change. In this past blog Dip. Dip. Depression. I share the story of what happened that led me to walk through the door of my new place two years ago. Re-reading it myself I can say the most significant realization is the same. I can also say that two years later I still have no idea what happened to “M” for her to behave so horribly. I also still have no idea why she ended our relationship or why she chose to completely cut me out. I feel pretty confident now I know what happened in “M” that caused her mental break, but she will never tell me so I’ve come to my own conclusions and closure. I had to and I am still no less appalled by what she did, by the way. I accept that it is what it is. I can conjure up compassion for her occasionally, though it’s brief and far between. I know she struggles and suffers emotionally and that’s really an awful way to be. It’s unfortunate.

I don’t often give “M” my mental energy these days. I like much more to focus on my awesomely positive experiences and the goals I am working toward. Life fell magically back into place looking completely different than the old life I was longing. Soon enough I was done looking back, feeling happy and making plans for my future. I have a job I call my dream job even though much like my life it is very different than I imagined.

Life is good. Most days I’m pretty content. I honestly can only see misery when I think of the what if. That being if we had stayed together. Interesting how two short years can change my view of “the good life”. I like where I’m at now. I like where I’m going. While there have been plenty of struggles, I persevere. I really try to be positive. Soon enough things will change again, this time by my own determination. I will always be deeply grateful for this place that became my home. It’s where I came back to myself. Happy two years of good to me!

Gorgeous view from my kitchen window on a recent snowy day

Advertisements

Life is like Cookies and Tea

My last couple of days have been filled with some rough stuff.  I am doing really hard work not just physically, but emotionally.  I have faced this new life challenge head on and I am leaning right into what is now in front of me.  It is uncomfortable and I am doing it.  I am both grateful for and disgusted by the many new lessons I am learning and will continue to learn.  Life.  It can get messy sometimes.  At the end of my day, when I know I have conquered what is needed to get through it and do so with strength in my spirit and truth in heart; when I lay my head down in the quiet of night knowing I lived this day fully in all it’s messy glory, I can hear one screaming loud message running through my mind.

 I AM IMPORTANT.

I have tangled with the emotions of acceptance, attachment, vulnerability and loss.  I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions that sometimes scares the hell out of me.  I’m pretty sure I have a discount bracelet for that ride over the next few months.  Strangely, I am ready.  I am always ready for life.  All of it.  Ugly.  Beautiful.  Fun.  Scary.  I am ready because life is worth it.  Love is worth it.

 I am worth it.

When the days get extra tough and I want to comfort the inner child in me, I make cookies. In all of this craziness, I definitely need some nurturing.  So, a job well done deserves cookies and tea.

I found this recipe in my folder of print out recipes and sadly it does not have the original author’s information.  I did some research on my usual favorite websites thinking I may find it, but didn’t so know that this is not my original recipe, however it is a great one and I will update my readers when I discover its author so I can acknowledge their lovely creation!

I adapted these cookies for me so they are grain free, gluten free, dairy free and delicious for an evening treat!  Breath.  Eat.  Relax.  Push replay.  This is what life looks like.

Chocolate chunk cookies

1 1/2 cups blanched almond flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt (I used 1/4 tsp)

1/4 Honey (I used Agave Syrup)

1 egg (I used 1/4 cup applesauce)

1 tsp vanilla

1/4 cup coconut oil

1 dark chocolate bar, roughly cut to equal 3/4 cup (I used dark chocolate chips and only 1/2 cup)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees

Break up chocolate ball or cut with sharp knife.  Put pieces into bowl and set aside.

In a medium bowl, combine almond flour, baking soda and salt.

In a separate small bowl, use an electric handheld mixer to beat honey, egg and vanilla (or do as I did and use a whisk on the ingredients substituted!)

Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients and mix well.

Melt coconut oil and pour into batter.  Mix well.

Stir in dark chocolate chunks.

Drop balls of cookie dough onto a greased baking sheet.  Bake 12 minutes.  Let cool 6 minutes to avoid crumbling.  Eat and be happy.

IMG_3078