Somewhere Over The Rainbow There Is Strawberry Water

In the early morning hours this past Saturday, one of my sweet kitty companions moved to the other side of the rainbow.  Her time came without warning and from all I could decipher, was quick.  She looked as if she was still peacefully resting when I discovered she was not breathing,

Amelia, more affectionately known as Mama (or fatty, the beast, perfect princess, mama-son) was my “grandchild” cat.  Originally my daughters cat, Amelia and I had tumultuous beginnings.  I often looked in on her when my daughter traveled. Mama was not keen to change and she battled with my attempts at affection and attention when she was in my care.  This cat was like a guard dog watching over my daughters house and I got attacked for having dared enter.  I tried to like her, despite my “battle wounds” for my attempts at sharing some love.  When my daughter traveled to New Zealand, Mama came to live with me for five months.  During this time Mama decided I wasn’t so bad, though like any “child” she certainly tested my patience often enough.  Our relationship developed and I discovered the sweet, incredibly loving side of Mama.  I spent most of her life being “grandmother” like; looking in on her, occasionally housing her, giving her attention when I would come to visit.

Mama came to live with me full time when my daughter was preparing to move to Boston.  She was my constant companion for nearly three years.  By that time she was accustomed to change and still despised it.  She had grown to trust me and the transition was not as rough as past moves for her.  She enjoyed my affections immensely.  Her aggressive head butts and persistence in making sure she got her share of attention was as endearing as it was annoying.  I developed such a love for this cat, who had one of the quirkiest personalities and could display the most “human like” expressions of any cat I have known.  I always knew what Mama was thinking and feeling.  Despite her shortcomings, I think she was absolutely the best cat with the most pure heart; like that of an old soul.  I am so grateful for our time together over her twelve years, but especially in these last years when she was with me.  I find comfort with thoughts of Mama’s last months.  I am sad she had to endure one last traumatizing move.  She did however, adjust quickly to the freedom of roaming where she wanted without a young, sassy “little sister” (M’s cat) ready to pounce on her around every corner.  She had a beautiful and spacious outdoor area where she loved to spend time feeling the sun’s rays.  She adored being able to cuddle up next to me in bed and even found a new level of acceptance with Boy, my other cat.  They actually had begun to interact in a playful way, chasing each other around the apartment.  I marveled at her unusual frisky behavior.  She actually let loose recently and l enjoyed watching her amazing “cat dance” play with a tiny piece of carpet thread-until she saw me watching her.  She then quickly regained her regal like stance and pretended none of that nonsense had just happened.  She was such a hilarious cat!  She gave me so much happiness and I believe that our move brought out her fun loving nature.  I found her endlessly entertaining.  Mama always cheered me up, whether it was watching her antics or getting loved up on when I was feeling down.  Mama reached in to the recesses of my heart and attached herself to me.  I totally adored her and I miss her immensely.

One of Mama’s quirky behaviors was her obsession with water.  Where there was running water, there was Mama frantically crying out for some drizzles of water to drink from.  It truly was a little fanatical at times.  I am pretty sure nothing made “the beast” happier than to drink the water I slowly poured into her bowl at just the right angle for her to sip from, with the exact amount of drizzle to please the “perfect princess”.  She would vibrate her tail with excitement at her favorite activity.

She also had an obsession with fruit.  Not all fruit, but apples and strawberries made Mama very happy.  If I was preparing either of these, she was there begging, curious, making sure I knew she should be involved in what I was doing.  If I was eating them, she was pawing at my hand to get at the fruit.  She would nuzzle her nose into the fuzzy green stem of the strawberry as if she enjoyed the tickle then slowly nibble away at the strawberry.  It was so silly and cute.

This “recipe” which isn’t really much of one, is dedicated to my sweet mama-son, my fatty, my princess.  In honor of the best cat ever- I made strawberry water.  I can think of no better way to say thank you for accepting me into your world, for loving me, for showing me patience, grace and presence.  Cheers to life and love with two of Mama’s favorite things.

There are some great benefits to strawberry water.  I recommend making an entire pitcher to store in your refrigerator.  I made mine in a single glass because unfortunately, I don’t have the room in my tiny fridge to give up space for a pitcher of fruit water.

Fresh strawberries are packed with Vitamin C, rich in potassium, folic acid and fiber.  Strawberry water, or most any fruit water, is excellent for overall body detoxing.  Enjoy a simply made glass, or make enough to enjoy for days.

Mama loved sunbathing

Mama loved sunbathing

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In memory of Mama

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Water with ice in it is grand!

In The Beginning I Was Me

I have been asked by a few people recently when I planned to post my next blog.  It has been difficult for me to get my thoughts in writing; wanting to keep the integrity of my blog and my story by telling it with love and a whole heart.  I have needed some time to reflect on how my recent experience will shape my future posts.  In my previous post titled Dip. Dip. Depression, I shared what has been happening in my life.

I feel like I have come full circle with my recent trauma and a new path on my journey is being paved.  My focus is more clear and I am relaxing back in to life a little more each day.  When this “saga” began, my plan was to head toward the east side of the country to be closer to my kids.  It wasn’t long before opportunities were placed in my path that signaled to me Portland is still the place I need to be right now.  What began as temporary housing has become the place I can call home for a while.  This solidified my decision to stay put.  My living arrangement is pretty fantastic and I cannot pass up this amazing opportunity.  Additionally, I have met some incredible people recently who have been pivotal in my new direction.  I am eager to pursue fresh ideas with some inspiring people.

As I recreate my life and move toward a place of healing, I am acutely aware of the fact that I must find my own closure in this ordeal.  It is becoming painfully clear that M’s refusal to talk with me will continue and we will not come to a healthy resolve together.  I have to be comfortable in not knowing.  I am not there yet.  I work on it every day, however.  I am also reminded on a daily basis in some way to be grateful for the place I am now.  Had we followed through with our plans together, that would have involved buying property.  I am so deeply glad that did not happen.  If “M’ is capable of this level of cruelty, I do not even want to imagine how much worse it could have been being entangled any deeper, financially.

What I think about most often is, what happened to the person I knew to be a kind, loving and caring human being? What happened to suddenly create a shift?  Why would “M” choose to be so hateful?  Are the people close to “M” concerned about this sudden change? Everyone in my life is certainly shocked. What happened to my sweetie, my quirky, fun-loving adventure partner? What happened?  What happened??  It’s an endless and unanswerable question in my mind.  Every time I go down that road, I come back completely baffled. Honestly, it’s mind boggling.  I don’t understand why “M” was so fearful of simply expressing feelings.  Why didn’t “M” just say, “let’s talk.”  Two words.  It could have changed everything.  It certainly could have created a much nicer outcome with a lot less hurt even if the end of this story were the same.

I had my feet so solidly planted in what I thought was a committed, long term relationship with the person I loved.  I truly believed, that even though we had our issues that needed addressing, our emotional ups and downs; especially with me going through grief, that we would work together like couples do because we wanted a life–together.  Nothing, absolutely nothing was so terrible in our relationship that it deserved this end.  I did not deserve this treatment.

I am beginning to accept the new direction my life is taking.  I am discovering a new and more thoughtful way to live.  I have tried to make my new and very small kitchen in my new space work for me the best I can with the resources I have right now.  I am doing all right.  I have managed to get some decent meals prepared and eaten, albeit a lot more planning must take place to get to a delicious end result.  Portable kitchen islands are on my radar.  It will help my kitchen be more functional for me.  Food storage and kitchen storage in general, is another issue.  I have had many frustrating moments, fits of anger and sobbing outbursts.  And, despite all the forced upon me hardships, I am doing all right.

I process as I cook; I breath through the pain and let go a little more each day.  I am surrounded by a loving group of friends who support me and encourage me toward my new beginnings.  I am grateful for the abundant opportunities and lovely people that have so perfectly timed themselves into my world.  I try to keep my focus on my wonderful new path that develops a little more each day, keeping me curious, excited and motivated.  I will be all right.  I certainly enjoy feeling more like me again; authentic me.  There is that saying, “hindsight is 20/20”; I see things now that I could not before.  What I see is that I am much better off.  Right here.  Right now. I feel happy again despite the pain of betrayal.  I am happy to be me.

I have no delicious food pictures at this time, nor do I have recipes to share.  I think I really needed to keep this post about expression of feelings.  I can sense my blog will take a new direction that will mirror my new life direction.  So this feels like the perfect blog ending and beginning.  I do hope you will continue along with me on my next journey.

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